An Unexpected Gate

This week I had my annual Medicare Wellness Visit. A series of blood tests, an EKG, an eye chart exam, and blood pressure test among the undertakings. All my stats are good. Happily, I was pronounced healthy. Later I went online to read my doctor’s Progress Notes. There, for the first time I can remember, I read the words, End of Life Issues. Nothing out of the ordinary, it was simply a reference to her agreement to follow my wishes stated in my Advance Directive.

Nevertheless, it stopped me in my tracks. It felt like I was encountering a gate across an open range trail. End of Life Issues –the words echoed in my heart like the silence encountered in a cemetery. (Yes, silence has an echo!) I’ve just recently accepted retirement but, truthfully, haven’t given much thought about my eventual passing from this world. I’m too involved with living, with the pleasure of interacting with friends and family, with taking delight in stimulating new thoughts and understandings, with feeling exhilarated being out in nature, with enjoying the satisfaction of working on my next quilt, even with reveling in doing nothing . . .

As I read those words, I suddenly felt a measured distance lying in front of me –something I had not consciously sensed before. Probably like most everyone else, I’ve acknowledged such reality intellectually, but it always felt removed by several degrees from my actual life. Harmless enough, the grouping of those fifteen letters was neither warning nor threat. Nevertheless, I felt my perspective shift; I needed to make friends with the features of this newly perceived horizon lest it morph into something worrisome.

The years behind me have yielded the priceless treasures of children and grandchildren, lifelong friendships, and years of productive employment. I have been physically healthy. I have chosen peace over material gain, at times solitude over persistent unhappiness, yet always engagement instead of withdrawal. Quietly sitting in my favorite chair, I embrace the measured distance ahead of me as a gift, visualizing it as an expanse of fresh, unencumbered, welcoming space. Though not endless it is sufficient, offering adequate time for me to stretch my spirit and discreetly conclude my earth walk.