Big-Screen Awareness

As I age, I have become increasingly aware of how I’m changing little by little. No doubt, I’ve been changing my whole life. According to researchers, my body replaces itself with a largely new set of cells every seven to 10 years. Beyond the more obvious shedding of skin and growing of new hairs, my brain has continually changed/adapted due to my experiences. When younger these changes went largely unnoticed; everything moved along smoothly with only occasional bumps or blips, which passed quickly into my rearview mirror of consciousness.

Being retired has engendered big-screen awareness of my altering self. I’m having to adjust my benchmarks and touchstones, my aspirations, my desires. Sometimes acceptance replaces ambition –not always a bad thing so long as it doesn’t represent relinquishing achievable goals. I’ve had to accept that my balance, which was always not the best because of inner ear damage experienced at a young age, has progressed to where I can no longer safely ride my bike. Osteoarthritis in my hips and knees, though not severe, tipped the scales.

Memory loss is another bugaboo threatening complacence, somewhat like getting an unexpected splinter from a supposedly smooth surface. Again, I’ve had memory lapses my whole life –infuriating, but no big deal. Only now does it make me a little nervous because I notice it more. Worse still are the gaffes, especially a repeated one. Recently I felt a need to apologize to my zoom exercise coach because, even after she corrected my mistake for other attendees, I kept making it.

I want to apologize (with a little bit of chagrin) for my unfortunate, unintended, repeated auto response of “have a good weekend” when saying goodbye to you after class —even on a Wednesday! Honestly, I don’t know why it just comes out of my mouth! What I really mean to convey is thank you and hope you have a good rest-of-the-day. I KNOW you have other classes and only Friday would my weekend wishes be applicable. Maybe it’s an unwelcome signal that getting older is catching up to me?! I hope not, but just the same will bite my tongue from now on and just wave happily, then quietly exit zoom. See you at the next class for older adults, of whom I obviously am one!

Graciously, she responded, We all know that feeling... we are in good company... we understand!

Big-screen awareness hitting me again, I was comforted by her acknowledgement of the common humanity we all share regardless of age. Which made me sit up and take notice that perhaps my chagrin was me inwardly chastising myself for letting my getting older get the better of me. Embarrassment for aging is never a correct posture. The sooner I take that out behind the barn and shoot it, the better! Ongoing metamorphosis is my birthright.

It is almost banal to say so, yet it needs to be stressed continually: all is creation, all is change, all is flux, all is metamorphosis. ~Henry Miller