Childhood Leftovers

With time slowed in retirement I’ve started to become aware of my susceptibility to little pricks of emotional discomfort that surface unexpectedly. For the most part I am content and relaxed about life in general. Yet, at times my feelings reveal a slight fraying around the edges. For example, even as I was happily celebrating my youngest granddaughter’s 22nd birthday, when party favors were distributed all around and I did not receive one, I felt a twinge of being left out. Before I could stop myself, I expressed disappointment, causing my daughter to insist I take her hand-sized memento –a green reversible stuffed turtle. I said no, but she insisted.

My daughter is especially fond of turtles, called Honu in Kauai, a favorite family vacation destination. She even has three Honu tattooed discretely on one hip (a medium-sized one and two smaller ones representing herself and her two boys). Holding the little plush turtle, I felt awful and immediately devised a plan to return the keepsake to its intended owner.

Stopping by her house on my way home, I arrived just after she left to take her evening walk. My two grandsons were at the table eating dinner. I presented the turtle, telling them that it told me it was supposed to belong to their mother. That it inadvertently ended up with me because Grams made a fuss about things. My youngest grandson’s eyes lit up as I told them to tell their mom the turtle insisted it be brought back to her. “I’ll put it on her bed!” he whispered conspiratorially.

Later, I wondered why on earth I had blurted out my disappointment when, in fact, it was an unnecessary sentiment. Never mind that my adult self was truly perfectly content. Momentarily I experienced what I have since come to recognize as heart splinters –little sorrows that are leftovers from childhood traumas. In acknowledging this I think (hopefully) I have begun to mentally tweezer out at least some of my early years’ slivers.

Maybe, in this case, I also laid the groundwork for my grandsons to understand how as adults, when they act ill-advisedly, they can make amends –quickly and without unnecessary additional drama. And possibly, in the process, bring a few smiles.