Golden Memories

Today would have been my oldest daughter’s 54th birthday. It’s quiet in my home as usual, but this morning it also feels a little hollow. I miss her. She died three years ago the last week in September. After a year I did what writers do; I wrote a book. In my bio on Amazon it says:

In her most recent book, Before the Bow Breaks, she shares her journey through the grief and loss of her daughter, an alcoholic. She says she wrote the book to give her daughter a chance to tell her story, to speak for herself. Who among us shall judge? Who among us can discern the legitimacy, the transparency, of a wounded heart bound with pain? Though Cassie succumbed to her afflictions, she continues to illuminate her mother's heart with her relentless courage.

Retirement does not inoculate against sorrow. Touted as the Golden Years, beyond the lovely, unhurried spans of time that stretch ahead invitingly, life continues on schedule. Mostly happy events resurface –holiday celebrations, annual vacations, birthdays. But some sad ones invariably show up, too. Without the distraction of employment, of friendly co-workers and the tangly tasks at hand, despondency can set in.

I refuse to succumb to grief. Though I feel a tug of sadness, I consciously acknowledge an equal if not greater pull of gladness. Fifty-four years ago, today, an adorable, sparkly-eyed baby girl swept my heart away with delight. Memories of her spontaneous laughter and endless curiosity, her love of learning, her devotion to family, fill my soul. It’s my decision: I remember joy.

Speaking on the phone this morning to her son, my oldest grandson who lives in Montana, I suggested he might go into the woods where he can shout out loud without disturbing anybody. To take his understandable melancholy and use the energy to shout to his mom, Happy Birthday! He thought it was a great way to celebrate her since she loved the woods, and he plans to take some friends with him to do so.

I will also celebrate my daughter’s birthday. My two youngest grandsons are coming to spend three nights with me as part of their summer vacation. They only live ½ mile away, but love being at Grams’ any chance they get. We’ll put up a tent in the backyard, eat watermelon, play games –and bake a birthday cake for Cassie.