Just Say No

Sitting in my front room with the gentle sound of heated air coming through the floor vent near my favorite chair I survey slated sunlight decorating the wall and rug. The only other sound is the soft, rhythmic clinking of a leftover Happy Retirement decoration hung on a floor lamp behind my chair. I feel both peaceful and slightly unsettled.

The unsettled part is what catches my attention. What part of this early morning pleasure could possibly be disconcerting? I love my home with its open structure, vaulted front room ceiling and pleasant furnishings. My dining room is once again converted to sewing room, the table fully expanded to hold my portable brother sewing machine and cutting boards. I’ve already cut out two of the three fabrics chosen by my next-to-oldest grandson, my son’s oldest son, for the quilt I’m making for him. He’s 20, in college, and still living at home. I plan to cut the third fabric, smoothed, and lined up carefully, later today.

Again, I’m aware of a low-grade disquiet stealthily lurking somewhere in my interior. Why? I’m content, at peace with my life, grateful for good health, and appreciative of the love and support of family and friends. Though at times I feel a little lonely, most of the time I only miss the presence of a loving kitty, which my landlord prohibits. My days are filled; the six months since my retirement have gone by quickly. I call that time my in-between, my adjustment period as I settled into my new life –and I truly am enjoying myself. I’m smiling even as I write these words.

So, again, why am I feeling slightly unsettled? I realize it’s the ongoing prospect of change and loss. I know I won’t be able to keep living here when my IRA is depleted –and an unspecified future begs to be disruptive if I allow it to overtake my innermost thoughts. The simple pleasure of sitting in the quiet, early morning hours filled with slated sunlight and humming warmth can be threatened by allowing subsurface thoughts to emerge into foreboding. So, once aware, I just say, No.

I can and do voluntarily choose to live in the present. Yesterday’s choices do not suffice for today. It’s like any other daily activity performed for optimum health. I brush my teeth, shower, prepare nutritious meals, wipe countertops, exercise, etc. On lazy days I still take care of basic necessities, including pushing away negativity, especially when it shows up only faintly, waiting to be acknowledged and entertained.